The Other Evil Empire: ASAN

The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is also another sin to the Autism narrative. As I have previously stated, ASAN is no different than any other organization headed by millennials. These rich Caucasians have believed in a dilliusion that autism in every case should be treated like a gift, and there is a zero tolerance policy of any cure of the disorder, even if its disruptive. They believe that every case should allow individuals to be themselves, even if they are disruptive per se.

Like all tax evading organizations, they are exempt from the rules. So they hire just autistics to speak on autism. And these many radical leftists that act at activists are preaching that April should only be Autism Acceptance Month instead. Apparently these upity, everything is awesome Millenials are so naive that there is still many people not aware or familiar with autism directly. ASAN pretends to not “get” or “accept” the harsh realities.

the super high functioning autistics also have mixed homosexuality and other pet causes into the autism narrative. Autism is not synoumus to the queer or African American community and should remain as such. More disturbingly most of these leaders live in cities and not in small towns and as I previously stated, they have lectured from 3,000 miles away in the form of a memo to the Arizona government and how they use Medicaid Waiver services.

Also, they have used vague but unconfirmed claims that Autism Speaks “portrays autism as a tragic burden” that latter two words has yet to be confirmed with hard facts. They dislike the puzzle as they claim to be a human, but they forget to google the history of the ASA version of the puzzle ribbon. Rainbows is for the queer community, sorry I have to be honest.

Walk in red is walking in anger. Also, that annoying hashtag “#ActuallyAutistic” makes you more weaker than stronger.

I know I don’t agree with many if not all high functioning types, you can’t be so rosey and attack an organization  that discriminates against autistics but also discriminate against normal people.


2017 Preface: I had memories of Vanessa, a former para of my high school program. I wrote this as I had developed a special friendship with a staff at my now former day program. She was my sister figure. My only sister figure – ever! Or at least I thought. When I left in November, she has not remained in communication. Vanessa I have not seen in years.

This post is about a paraprofessional from over 11 years ago. Her name is Vanessa and she worked with me over a decade ago. She was an awesome woman. A few years older than I am, kinda of a sisterly figure, a cute looking lady whom I would refer to her as my best friend if only things went a different way. Professionally she was cool, calming, would deescalate my anxiety and was able to have this peer-but-authorative figure only because I knew my boundaries (or at least that’s what I felt back then.)

Well we parted ways as she left GLEC about a year or so after I left my first program there. We had great chemistry and we both got along better than I did with the aforementioned teacher that I previously wrote.

For a while after I was very devastated, it was like loosing a best friend. It was a breakup only because the way GLEC operated wasn’t like other places upon transfers of good professional relations, they follow them. Vanessa was unable to follow me.

As stranger things had happened, it was a couple years ago where my mother and I took me to Manchester to the Mall of New Hampshire to acquire my Mac mini. As we left Best Buy to go and have lunch, we went by one of those photo places. Vanessa working there! But after lunch, we walked by to not see her again. She was working with a customer (a family you know) when we first went by. The following months, I’d try to do walk by. Her name tag and face matched, and she I believed lived in Lawrence.

I’ve known that some paras ether go out of the field altogether and go a 180 in the career sense. That may have happened to Vanessa a couple years ago. If Vanessa was able to follow me to the school to work program, maybe the 21st birthday debacle would’ve been less painful.

There is an individual that kinda meets the above profile in my current day program. I need someone like a Vanessa and I’ve been longing to find a day partner in crime with a multi-year relationship for decades. I hope ether that individual or someone else can fill this void.

It would be an underestimate to say I need someone like her in my day to day life.


Flexibility = Manipulation

I’m a 29 year old and sometimes feels like he’s a 9 year old. Is that because of my autism spectrum disorder or something else?

I’m on the camp of “something else”.

It was drilled upon my younger years to be “flexible” and learn to “go with the flow”. Nearly 10 to 20 years later these ideas have gone past unintended consequences. Sadly for some folks, this is how you can screw your kids up to being perpetual children well into adulthood. If you are doing this to your kids, you should be damned!!!

I’ve realized over the last week why I feel not only hopeless but powerless. I’ve understood that saying “no” equates to being politically incorrect and it may hurt people’s feelings. Because if I wanted to what I want as an adult well then that’s being “rigid” but guess where I learned to be rigid? The stubborn ol menopausal hags! I thought being my own guardian I could set some reasonable boundaries. Boy was I so naive!

I’d be lucky if I can attain a 60% independence in the next five years. “Independence” means I can make my own decisions without being forced with “flexibility” 9 times out of 10. “Independence” means to say no to my folks if I am not interested.

I feel like I am a jailbird to other people’s happiness. I really gotten the grasp of this “flexibility” bulls— and I don’t like it. As I get older and wiser I will become the most hated person as I become more rebellious! At least you’ve been warned!

Always Accept You’re Wrong When You Believe You’re “Right”

Part of the First Generation Syndrome was the constant assault of how I Was Always Wrong and Everyone Else Was Right. Unlike other people with Asperger’s for an example who some can’t accept failure or wrongdoing; I for one would.

The only way for me to get through life was to take hits. Many. By the scores. No matter how right was in my heart or mind (depending on how little I had even back then) I had to basically just go “yes ma’mm” to everything. I was never right, and a few times, the card carrying Hacks with Master’s Degrees would cave in and accept their wrong doing, but it only happened once in a supermoon.

Not only that, but I also had to cross many boundaries in the social skills to get what I wanted. Despite the dare I say “ballsy” moves, it didn’t get me much places. But of course there was and is two different Americas, a normal functioning America and an autistic America where we have really no rights, or at least for me – I can’t speak for the rest.

In short, you must learn to have a thick skin, and be able to get denied a thousand times. I feel despite how I tried to sell myself or my ideas, I always had to buy in other’s ideas to move forward. I know this was a case of “getting along to get along” but that was how broken the oppressive special needs system was back in 2005. As you know, it was pitiful.

What is being Hopeless All About?

2017 Preface: I scrapped most of the original writing to insert what “hopeless” really meant. When I branded this site, I couldn’t even imagine the bullet points would be so true! Being in the previous toxic environment was the catalyst to this site and my feelings that had the majority control at the time.

The definition of “hopeless” means the following:

feeling or causing despair about something

The definition of despair means:

showing the loss of all hope

In the Thesaurus sense, despair means for adjectives :

gloomy, depressed, discouraged, demoralized, deviated, suicidal [don’t blame me], pessimistic 

In the context of the Hopeless Autisticit means that the bulleted points are not hope and:

  • They won’t be able to find an ideal, and reasonable day program
  • They won’t be able to find an ideal support staff
  • That they will not be able to have a reasonable and healthy social life
  • And won’t be able to find love

Unpublished Letters: Bureau of Developmental Services’ $20m Misfunding

Originally sent to the statewide newspaper at the Union Leader on Thursday and never responded. I highly doubt the mainstream media wants to really touch this story with a 10′ pole.

To the Editor,

Reading the cover story on February 13 th about the $20 million mismanaged funds at the Department of Health and Human Services’ Bureau of Developmental Services makes me sick as a resident whose describes himself as a “hopeless autistic.”

 In 2008, I had finished high school on my 21st birthday that fell on a half day on a Wednesday in March of that year. My supports with the SAU I resided at the time and the out of district program faded almost immediately. The area agency that covered my former residence simply did not have my back.

For nearly 18 months, I was on the “waitlist” which made me fall backwards. I also didn’t have much of a hopeful future before and after receiving Medicaid Waiver funding for day services; which has made me limp through life in the “real world” – which is reverse from what is taught in special education.

Meanwhile, I still have kept the pink button “People Can’t Wait” from a rally I attended as a reminder to make sure others won’t fall in the same trap I went through 8 years ago.

 I fear the current management at DHHS should be in question. I rarely make such statements of this nature public, but from an individual “on the front lines” I see the destruction to the system. To put this midly, families, individuals and my peers should be on alert, staying vigilant  and possibly be *scared* of the rate of deceleration of BDS and DHHS itself.

 Steven Ayotte

Merrimack, NH


It seems like “Change” is in vogue lately. New programs, new ideas, but mixed with backwards or delusional agendas factoring in new leadership (should “leadership” in air quotes) among so many things just criss-crossing the Granite State.

However I am seeing a trainwreck about to happen and yet I haven’t seen any leadership to attempt to derail the trainwreck or suppress the fire. Sadly higher ups are not heeding the warnings, they are implementing a broken system and that broken system is about to get worse!

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Ethics Schethics

email screengrab


The reason why I don’t trust the National Alliance for Direct Support Professionals because their own damned speakers have to set boundaries for (excuse the air quotes) “students”! As shown in the screengrab the trainer from the July session clearly stated “Please contact me with any further questions related to direct support professionals, ethics and competencies.” Yeah because I’m going to ask “how’s your love life going?” This is a joke!

Also, this wasn’t intended to be a f—–g letter, nor should had the need to VIOLATE HIS OWN DSP CODE OF ETHICS by insulting MY intelligence!

My gawd and them hacks from Albany? Aren’t they a little ethically challenged?

I blame them for the desensitizing of the human race on that intellectual level.

The next two years will be interesting to see.

The State of Shock (and Awe)

2017 Preface: This would be the defining change to the The System Being a Homewrecker. By this point, I started to feel that 12 alarm blaze that the flames didn’t go out just got worse. The way the State ran, was all my fault for not understanding the system. At this point I did not understand where I crossed a line of challenging authorities.

At the time of writing, I wasn’t sure who was at fault, I basically felt both were at fault, as well as me not understanding.

In summer to fall of 2014, I started discussions with my current day program to begin in January of 2015. I went in with a mindset because many of the clients were lower functioning, that I’d settle for less, meaning in hopes and dreams. Another day program in the area has higher functioning people but I didn’t fit in because I thought I was at high risk (remember Too Good to Fail?)

While I would start the program, the plan was to attempt to find doctors to figure out why I felt so at high risk – at least how I look at myself in the mirror. That was my only commonality with the other clients at the time.

From the beginning, I felt very vulnerable after being in the program feeling like I was bossed around, being micromanaged or worse feeling “manipulated” or being degraded.

Of one of the most strangest things that happened since about September was hire of a new manager. At the time I was there for 9 months, something wasn’t right. A new manager within months after me joining…what’s in store? Given the age and experience of the manager, I was already on the camp of guilty until proven innocent. Fortunately this manager is now the latter.

However the series of changes have gone in a complete 180. The program suddenly was shaken up and now everything is as “individualized to the individual as possible” from scheduling to goals and everything else.

OK I trust the new manager, but what happens if the hacked up Hackerama at BDS decides they’ll tinker with the rules on the state level and all these seriously great ideas go up in smoke?

Then yours truly the Hopeless Autistic will go back to square 1 prior to last fall.

(You can see how inconsistent the system is and people wonder why I might be “stuck”…)

DSPs, the Lack of Money and Passion

From the Grapevine from my undisclosed day program in an undisclosed location: I overheard some conversations of one staff talking about money and a possible pay raise (or something like that.) The unnamed staff said something like she isn’t there for the money. I hope she’s happy working with her clients.

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