Self Hatred

Hate is not learned, it’s taught

Growing up in a micro institutional environment, even if you could go in and out within six hours, miles away from home; it sure felt like a traumatic experience.

I am not a self-centered person, because I can’t speak for anyone else with ASD with authority except for me, because I can only speak with certainty of the challenges in life.

I am still looking for purpose because it was wrongfully taken away from me 22 years ago. To say it’s just me is standard gaslighting and minimizing my view of reality. 

I am in a situation where I am at a point where I am seeking other’s admiration as a form to feel less self-guilt. I felt like I had held grudges because it was my doing, to only find out people really don’t care about me as a whole. Not that I can not make up lost time, but to build quality time in the present with a new outlook with either family or peers.

And that never happened, hence why I severed ties with the Londonderry bunch and then created Londonderry NH Exposed because that the cleavage of in-experiences between me and them would be further spread. Worse they are completely apathetic; only because I am the only person they know who has autism (and this when I started to doubt the statistics because it didn’t make sense.)

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Millennials (the enemy), Autistics (the victim) and the Future

As I look 5 years down the road, I really am concerned for my own sake and sanity. The 1 and 50 cases of autism is either over reported or just simply illogical, because even in the 2000s, where there was 1 and 150 cases, people I had gone to grade school with, should’ve had been exposed one or more at least in their own family.

In reality, the town I once grew up are so ignorant. Studies over the last decade show the folks born between 1982 to 1995 that vaccines causes autism, but the studies never showed if they knew anyone who had it.

I’d go so far to say these fucking dead fetuses probably think autism is a disease that can be transmitted through bitting someone else or hitting them.

Sadly, there is no voice right now to focus on average verbal/non verbal/but not super high functioning, and not so morbidly disabled. As I said before, ones in diapers and ones who run away and the alleged geniuses who think ASD is a gift is far between. You put the two together, you probably get 35% of the overall autistic population.

This future is very bleak because if so few do not understand and are quick to write people like me off, this is avalanche that will just snowball and take the average population down with self esteem and extreme depression.

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Developmental Services System 1991 (NH State Audit Compressed for 2021 Standards)

In 1991, after the Laconia State School closed, the State of New Hampshire did an audit of the system and services for the developmentally delayed. Out of respect for modern day technologies, the original PDF can be seen here, at the expense of your network or cell data plan, This was the time where Macintosh computers were not used by many, so it’s lousy in design quality. The PDF was converted at some point from it’s original DOS-like word processing in 1998, and thanks to RSA 91-a, I am doing you a public service by hosting a lighter version of this PDF because am I a native nerd to the the government affairs, not “obsessed with the system”.

Sadly a lot of the core context in this file has never been addressed. Bill of Rights is kinda the theme here, and sadly the developmental disability system has been audited several times since 1991. But ironically the audits never go back to the original blueprint of the 1991 audit. Sadly I don’t even think our current agencies at the Department of Education or at the Bureau even have this document

Do understand in 1991, there was a dueling thing going on, and that was special education. I entered into Londonderry just months before, and there was a lot of growing pains across the state for Special Education, that was done on a reactionary measure, that then carried into adulthood so people like your’s truly was then hungover with the neglect at the SPED level.

The compressed PDF will be the source of many future writings or postings of content related to my condition and the ever so declining system that isn’t just me that’s having the problems. I can only speak for myself and presently I am the only one that is the most outspoken for the rights of me and my peers.

5th Grade – Hopeless Romantic, confirmed (Hopeless Autistic)

In late 2018, I finally arrived to the litmus test of what would solidify the Hopeless Autistic status from the late 1990s, just a year before the diagnosis was brought to my attention after SHTF.

In a Facebook Messenger thread of school age friend, of which 2 years worth of conversations was actually printed out at 147 pages, for a discovery. Mind you, the only video chat occurred around this time, in late 2018. Millennials really use Facebook for pics and texts.

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The Hopeless Autistic: The Beginning of the Collapse to the Developmentally Delayed System

I am in the process of porting some of my work at The Hopeless Autistic to this page in a form of consolidating as my advocacy has been for the most part finished since 2016. Over the last year, there was still new developments as one story of one New Hampshirite on the ASD spectrum. Some of the more coherent posts will be ported over later this summer. 

I am not a Steve Jobs.

I didn’t just happen to make a radical prediction that in four years after creating this page that the developmental disability system would ultimately collapse in 2020.

This past week, the State is still dealing with budgeting issues as 2020 in the Fiscal Year sense began on the 1st. It actually made news. In fairness, to put a disclaimer, the area agency featured in this WMUR-TV package is my area agency.

I am not in a position to criticize the area agency directly, as if I do, it would raise red flags as someone who has a big grudge and may be threat to people. Having social defects along with strong views against the contrary can be punishing.

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Flexibility = Manipulation

I’m a 29 year old and sometimes feels like he’s a 9 year old. Is that because of my autism spectrum disorder or something else?

I’m on the camp of “something else”.

It was drilled upon my younger years to be “flexible” and learn to “go with the flow”. Nearly 10 to 20 years later these ideas have gone past unintended consequences. Sadly for some folks, this is how you can screw your kids up to being perpetual children well into adulthood. If you are doing this to your kids, you should be damned!!!

I’ve realized over the last week why I feel not only hopeless but powerless. I’ve understood that saying “no” equates to being politically incorrect and it may hurt people’s feelings. Because if I wanted to what I want as an adult well then that’s being “rigid” but guess where I learned to be rigid? The stubborn ol menopausal hags! I thought being my own guardian I could set some reasonable boundaries. Boy was I so naive!

I’d be lucky if I can attain a 60% independence in the next five years. “Independence” means I can make my own decisions without being forced with “flexibility” 9 times out of 10. “Independence” means to say no to my folks if I am not interested.

I feel like I am a jailbird to other people’s happiness. I really gotten the grasp of this “flexibility” bulls— and I don’t like it. As I get older and wiser I will become the most hated person as I become more rebellious! At least you’ve been warned!

Why Men Love B!tches – Moi’s POV

Warning: Bad Language used. Please read with discretion

There’s a book published called Why Men Love Bitches (or something like that.) I found the book a while back at my local Barnes & Noble, and skimmed through it. I took a picture of the cover but can’t seem to find it on my machine or server, but who cares! I don’t remember much of the context; but more on the general message. Or at least if I can remember that as well!

I want to say that I don’t want this site to be all about relationships, but on the same time that subject has been a difficulty that I’ve struggled and still puzzled if that it’s my autism or the world around me that I can’t understand. I know for sure I’ll take a hit for speaking my version of the truth at least in this post…

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Always Accept You’re Wrong When You Believe You’re “Right”

Part of the First Generation Syndrome was the constant assault of how I Was Always Wrong and Everyone Else Was Right. Unlike other people with Asperger’s for an example who some can’t accept failure or wrongdoing; I for one would.

The only way for me to get through life was to take hits. Many. By the scores. No matter how right was in my heart or mind (depending on how little I had even back then) I had to basically just go “yes ma’mm” to everything. I was never right, and a few times, the card carrying Hacks with Master’s Degrees would cave in and accept their wrong doing, but it only happened once in a supermoon.

Not only that, but I also had to cross many boundaries in the social skills to get what I wanted. Despite the dare I say “ballsy” moves, it didn’t get me much places. But of course there was and is two different Americas, a normal functioning America and an autistic America where we have really no rights, or at least for me – I can’t speak for the rest.

In short, you must learn to have a thick skin, and be able to get denied a thousand times. I feel despite how I tried to sell myself or my ideas, I always had to buy in other’s ideas to move forward. I know this was a case of “getting along to get along” but that was how broken the oppressive special needs system was back in 2005. As you know, it was pitiful.

Autism Awareness Month – How to Make it Suck Less!

In less than a few weeks, Autism Awareness Month will come in full swing. To make your life easier, I’ll give you an outline of the following to do instead

  • Don’t light your house “Blue” and don’t “walk in red”. Blue is a single color that was created by Autism Speaks, an organization that came 40 years after the Autism Society of America that standardized a 4 color /shaped puzzle piece for autism awareness. The National Autism Association is also a blue colored organization. Red came up by the noisy, obnoxious “self advocates”, who think that autism is a 100% gift that can’t be challenged at all.
  • If it weren’t for Autism Speaks, I probably wouldn’t have a site as they demonize autism.
  • Stop believing in the vaccinations causing autism!
  • Please research Autism Speaks before endorsing them
  • If any government endorses LIUB, they are also endorsing murder (read below) and of such can be consituted for endorsing hate speech
  • Do not observe Worldwide Autism Awareness Day (April 2nd) because it’s a day sponsored by the corporation
  • Always be skeptical of any autism content on NBC Universal owned properties as the founder of Autism Speaks was their longtime chairman.
  • Avoid watching CNBC or MSNBC during the first couple of days as many respect Bob Wright, the founder who wasn’t their boss but a friend which means unobjective questioning.
  • By judging a book by it’s cover Bob Wright’s “Wright Stuff” book to be released by April will probably cover up his “wrong” doings at Autism Speaks (and NBC if you are disgruntled affiliate)
  • Search on YouTube for the decade old Autism Every Day of what Autism Speaks allowed to go to the whole world that was produced by a former Boston TV journalist and please pass it along!
  • Do not focus on children, focus on hopeless verbal adults that are also autistic instead. Children are the minority
  • Learn to ACCEPT, TOLERATE, FORGIVE, LOVE and UNDERSTAND ALL individuals on the autism spectrum
  • Autistics aren’t looking for just a job to be scared working, they also want a diverse lifestyle (not heard often by the self described “self advocates”

This is just a brief sample of what you can do to make April suck less

What is being Hopeless All About?

2017 Preface: I scrapped most of the original writing to insert what “hopeless” really meant. When I branded this site, I couldn’t even imagine the bullet points would be so true! Being in the previous toxic environment was the catalyst to this site and my feelings that had the majority control at the time.

The definition of “hopeless” means the following:

feeling or causing despair about something

The definition of despair means:

showing the loss of all hope

In the Thesaurus sense, despair means for adjectives :

gloomy, depressed, discouraged, demoralized, deviated, suicidal [don’t blame me], pessimistic 

In the context of the Hopeless Autisticit means that the bulleted points are not hope and:

  • They won’t be able to find an ideal, and reasonable day program
  • They won’t be able to find an ideal support staff
  • That they will not be able to have a reasonable and healthy social life
  • And won’t be able to find love