5th Grade – Hopeless Romantic, confirmed (Hopeless Autistic)

In late 2018, I finally arrived to the litmus test of what would solidify the Hopeless Autistic status from the late 1990s, just a year before the diagnosis was brought to my attention after SHTF.

In a Facebook Messenger thread of school age friend, of which 2 years worth of conversations was actually printed out at 147 pages, for a discovery. Mind you, the only video chat occurred around this time, in late 2018. Millennials really use Facebook for pics and texts.

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Flexibility = Manipulation

I’m a 29 year old and sometimes feels like he’s a 9 year old. Is that because of my autism spectrum disorder or something else?

I’m on the camp of “something else”.

It was drilled upon my younger years to be “flexible” and learn to “go with the flow”. Nearly 10 to 20 years later these ideas have gone past unintended consequences. Sadly for some folks, this is how you can screw your kids up to being perpetual children well into adulthood. If you are doing this to your kids, you should be damned!!!

I’ve realized over the last week why I feel not only hopeless but powerless. I’ve understood that saying “no” equates to being politically incorrect and it may hurt people’s feelings. Because if I wanted to what I want as an adult well then that’s being “rigid” but guess where I learned to be rigid? The stubborn ol menopausal hags! I thought being my own guardian I could set some reasonable boundaries. Boy was I so naive!

I’d be lucky if I can attain a 60% independence in the next five years. “Independence” means I can make my own decisions without being forced with “flexibility” 9 times out of 10. “Independence” means to say no to my folks if I am not interested.

I feel like I am a jailbird to other people’s happiness. I really gotten the grasp of this “flexibility” bulls— and I don’t like it. As I get older and wiser I will become the most hated person as I become more rebellious! At least you’ve been warned!

Why Men Love B!tches – Moi’s POV

Warning: Bad Language used. Please read with discretion

There’s a book published called Why Men Love Bitches (or something like that.) I found the book a while back at my local Barnes & Noble, and skimmed through it. I took a picture of the cover but can’t seem to find it on my machine or server, but who cares! I don’t remember much of the context; but more on the general message. Or at least if I can remember that as well!

I want to say that I don’t want this site to be all about relationships, but on the same time that subject has been a difficulty that I’ve struggled and still puzzled if that it’s my autism or the world around me that I can’t understand. I know for sure I’ll take a hit for speaking my version of the truth at least in this post…

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Always Accept You’re Wrong When You Believe You’re “Right”

Part of the First Generation Syndrome was the constant assault of how I Was Always Wrong and Everyone Else Was Right. Unlike other people with Asperger’s for an example who some can’t accept failure or wrongdoing; I for one would.

The only way for me to get through life was to take hits. Many. By the scores. No matter how right was in my heart or mind (depending on how little I had even back then) I had to basically just go “yes ma’mm” to everything. I was never right, and a few times, the card carrying Hacks with Master’s Degrees would cave in and accept their wrong doing, but it only happened once in a supermoon.

Not only that, but I also had to cross many boundaries in the social skills to get what I wanted. Despite the dare I say “ballsy” moves, it didn’t get me much places. But of course there was and is two different Americas, a normal functioning America and an autistic America where we have really no rights, or at least for me – I can’t speak for the rest.

In short, you must learn to have a thick skin, and be able to get denied a thousand times. I feel despite how I tried to sell myself or my ideas, I always had to buy in other’s ideas to move forward. I know this was a case of “getting along to get along” but that was how broken the oppressive special needs system was back in 2005. As you know, it was pitiful.

Autism Awareness Month – How to Make it Suck Less!

In less than a few weeks, Autism Awareness Month will come in full swing. To make your life easier, I’ll give you an outline of the following to do instead

  • Don’t light your house “Blue” and don’t “walk in red”. Blue is a single color that was created by Autism Speaks, an organization that came 40 years after the Autism Society of America that standardized a 4 color /shaped puzzle piece for autism awareness. The National Autism Association is also a blue colored organization. Red came up by the noisy, obnoxious “self advocates”, who think that autism is a 100% gift that can’t be challenged at all.
  • If it weren’t for Autism Speaks, I probably wouldn’t have a site as they demonize autism.
  • Stop believing in the vaccinations causing autism!
  • Please research Autism Speaks before endorsing them
  • If any government endorses LIUB, they are also endorsing murder (read below) and of such can be consituted for endorsing hate speech
  • Do not observe Worldwide Autism Awareness Day (April 2nd) because it’s a day sponsored by the corporation
  • Always be skeptical of any autism content on NBC Universal owned properties as the founder of Autism Speaks was their longtime chairman.
  • Avoid watching CNBC or MSNBC during the first couple of days as many respect Bob Wright, the founder who wasn’t their boss but a friend which means unobjective questioning.
  • By judging a book by it’s cover Bob Wright’s “Wright Stuff” book to be released by April will probably cover up his “wrong” doings at Autism Speaks (and NBC if you are disgruntled affiliate)
  • Search on YouTube for the decade old Autism Every Day of what Autism Speaks allowed to go to the whole world that was produced by a former Boston TV journalist and please pass it along!
  • Do not focus on children, focus on hopeless verbal adults that are also autistic instead. Children are the minority
  • Learn to ACCEPT, TOLERATE, FORGIVE, LOVE and UNDERSTAND ALL individuals on the autism spectrum
  • Autistics aren’t looking for just a job to be scared working, they also want a diverse lifestyle (not heard often by the self described “self advocates”

This is just a brief sample of what you can do to make April suck less

What is being Hopeless All About?

2017 Preface: I scrapped most of the original writing to insert what “hopeless” really meant. When I branded this site, I couldn’t even imagine the bullet points would be so true! Being in the previous toxic environment was the catalyst to this site and my feelings that had the majority control at the time.

The definition of “hopeless” means the following:

feeling or causing despair about something

The definition of despair means:

showing the loss of all hope

In the Thesaurus sense, despair means for adjectives :

gloomy, depressed, discouraged, demoralized, deviated, suicidal [don’t blame me], pessimistic 

In the context of the Hopeless Autisticit means that the bulleted points are not hope and:

  • They won’t be able to find an ideal, and reasonable day program
  • They won’t be able to find an ideal support staff
  • That they will not be able to have a reasonable and healthy social life
  • And won’t be able to find love

How the Hopeless Autistic Began

To sum it up in a paragraph: I had gotten a name of a genetic doctor at Dartmouth/Hitchcock Manchester. From winter to June there was back and forth in backoffice paperwork. After that cat and mouse game ended, we got a date to meet with the doctor on September 1st. Basically the genetics testing was too risky financially as my primary insurance through my mother denies at 13 years and older. The Managed Care Medicaid wouldn’t touch it unless it was denied by the primary insurance provider, and if Medicaid denied it it would’ve been a severe case of SOL. (The story of my life…everything is bleep out of luck!)

Well in the meantime, the doctor suggested a name of Dr. Jennifer McLaren in Lebanon. According to that doctor, she supposedly worked with adults. (I suspect she may work with them if they aged out as children like a grandfathered clause.) Well when I called them, they basically denied me and gave me the infamous advocacy organization, etc.

It was after this run-in with the broken adult special needs system is when I decided of I Can’t Take This Anymore! And this is how The Hopeless Autistic began. Thank you unforgiving “doctors”!

Unpublished Letters: Bureau of Developmental Services’ $20m Misfunding

Originally sent to the statewide newspaper at the Union Leader on Thursday and never responded. I highly doubt the mainstream media wants to really touch this story with a 10′ pole.

To the Editor,

Reading the cover story on February 13 th about the $20 million mismanaged funds at the Department of Health and Human Services’ Bureau of Developmental Services makes me sick as a resident whose describes himself as a “hopeless autistic.”

 In 2008, I had finished high school on my 21st birthday that fell on a half day on a Wednesday in March of that year. My supports with the SAU I resided at the time and the out of district program faded almost immediately. The area agency that covered my former residence simply did not have my back.

For nearly 18 months, I was on the “waitlist” which made me fall backwards. I also didn’t have much of a hopeful future before and after receiving Medicaid Waiver funding for day services; which has made me limp through life in the “real world” – which is reverse from what is taught in special education.

Meanwhile, I still have kept the pink button “People Can’t Wait” from a rally I attended as a reminder to make sure others won’t fall in the same trap I went through 8 years ago.

 I fear the current management at DHHS should be in question. I rarely make such statements of this nature public, but from an individual “on the front lines” I see the destruction to the system. To put this midly, families, individuals and my peers should be on alert, staying vigilant  and possibly be *scared* of the rate of deceleration of BDS and DHHS itself.

 Steven Ayotte

Merrimack, NH


Since about 2011, just before I turned 25, I got indications that maybe we would possibly go on vacation to Florida for the first time.

Well 2012 would lead into 2013, and my grandmother got sick and 2014 was lead into possibly going to a 12 month work program, plus my mother’s work distractions; and then came 2015 which was all above plus everything else.

I have never been to Florida. Unlike other of my rich Caucasian peers who was able to travel to places all over the country at the price of a Kit Kat Bar (in their dollar value), it was very expensive for just the two of us to travel.

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