5th Grade – Hopeless Romantic, confirmed (Hopeless Autistic)

In late 2018, I finally arrived to the litmus test of what would solidify the Hopeless Autistic status from the late 1990s, just a year before the diagnosis was brought to my attention after SHTF.

In a Facebook Messenger thread of school age friend, of which 2 years worth of conversations was actually printed out at 147 pages, for a discovery. Mind you, the only video chat occurred around this time, in late 2018. Millennials really use Facebook for pics and texts.

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A Little Disclaimer

Originally Posted on The Hopeless Autistic as a page on January 3rd, 2016 at 5:58 pm ET

The views and opinions expressed on this site comes from an individual of an autistic disorder (PDD-NOS) of an Independent registered political affiliation with no influence of any corporation, non for profit or even government entities. If any conflicts of interest, it will be disclosed under State and Federal laws. I do not offer any legal, medical or psychological advice. I do not intend to steer any individual or family member any which direction. I stride to be fair and objective in any opinion piece.

My family was aware of this site in 2016; I don’t ask for their support for my work; as well as any other affiliated persons or organizations. These opinions are my own and my own only. Anyone who I know who follows this site should assume that I have my own opinions and yeah I post it to the world, that doesn’t mean they are endorsing or encouraging. My work is my matter is my business. It enables my empowerment of my own voice.

To quote the local TV stations (in Boston that is) infamous line at the end of many vintage public affairs programs. Any views or opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer, WordPress.com, any special interest groups, corporations, or any other government or non government agency.

Where I Grew Up (and Regressed!)

2017 Update: I don’t hold a grudge like I used to, but I do feel that the development was hindered by various types of people. 

At the same time, in early 2016 and verbalized in 2017, that I had higher social growth in elementary school in district. The moment I went into the Middle School, all hell broke loose. By this point I was out of districted and lost all social circles. In fact I even recalled the second year of fifth grade from about January to June, I felt I had the most growth in my life. At 12 years old that’s almost equivalent to 2 years. But I was in the fear where I couldn’t tell anyone to validate this because the consultant-slash-thearpist would say shit like “they were friends to you but not to them”.

So I remained silent till earlier this year. Some of the more affluent types caused the worst damage. Will I ever be friends to ANY of them again? I think the reader knows that answer.

Unlike other millennials or peers of my age, I basically lived in a single neighborhood for my entire life till I was twenty-three.  I was born in Derry, raised in Londonderry (the small dot to the right). The first dwelling was my grandparent’s house. I moved for the first time when I was about five, then back for a few months after I turned six, the moved again to another part of town (in the same elementary school region) for another three years till my grandmother got divorced and we moved back. From 1996 to near the end of 2010, I lived in the same dwelling. By that point of most typical twenty-three year olds, they probably have moved about a dozen times if you count their college dorm as a form of living setup.

I was raised to believe that Londonderry was this small town, a typical working class community that once was the bedrock of this region. Well, even the Town themselves considered Londonderry as a “rural lifestyle” but many of the people would fake it. I wouldn’t even bet people know what “RFD” referred to, and we even had an RFD stop number, which I won’t publish on this site. The most lower class citizens were driven out over the last couple of decades. Some of my classmates (of the similar social strata) don’t even live in town, at least more than many years ago based on Facebook conversations.*

* 2017 Update: I did reach out to them since in a desperate attempt to socially connect when I had a facebook profile for personal uses over the last year.

Specific to this site, if it weren’t for my Londonderry residence, I might not be able to have the ability to write this 1,600 word narrative. Some other days I wished I never went to LEEP and would’ve been better off being a non verbal autistic and would’ve had the system spoil me because afterall the system is a paradise for non verbals. And I don’t want to dismiss any non verbals ether, because afterall I was once one (for a few years…)

However the dirty little secret to “Ltown” is that it’s really an upper middle class town despite the constant “rural lifestyle” talking point. Such families were poor enough to buy necessities, but rich enough to buy materialistic items.

I grew up in the time where I was out of districted, most of the local millenials would actually not be exposed to this group – my group, just like how their Baby Boomer parents were not exposed to the generation that were at the Laconia State School, for an example. While the Londonderry School District had new management by the turn of the Century, the pervasive problem was to address the out of district students. To be direct, they failed miserably. Around the Class of 2005, (or SY 04-05) about 64 students were at out of district facilities.

I’ve admitted previously of flip flopping staying out or returning and to then decide to remain out of district would be the right one. I started to come to my senses of how “young punks” would perceive me, and sadly it had negative connotations. There really isn’t a valid defense to the district, because they spent so much time trying to build in house programs, and they now use it as selling points today.

Management never thought like a uniformed worker, I would start to bleed to death, and they refused aid. The only critical or core “services” they provided was my third mother, psychologist since three, Teresa Bolick, from Westford, Mass. who had an office in Nashua. Her personal snobbish attitudes were mirrored to Londonderry because both towns are no different, no less. If you wonder why I write negative narratives, this specific experiences would cause a scar for life.

2017 Update; Bolick passed away, which immediately began a slow healing process.

As this narrative evolves to how I would become a hopeless autistic was between the inept management at the time, and the inept psychologist and the very political IEP team. The best interest at the time was not my mother or me, but a collective agenda by the professional class. “Safeguards for your child’s education” paper that came with the signed IEP, forget it, what a flipping joke! The DRCNH would’ve denied me even in those days!

I started to feel being bullied outside the typical norms – the textbook definition. I was taught by many professionals since being a teenager to respect other social stratas and be a good example – and be a leader basically. Well being a “nice guy” wasted my entire twenties. Again I sure hope the devil has given Ms. Bolick the hell she gave to me landing back to her. About a decade ago, I would start to see how I should not respect people in other social strata. Many of those peers were promiscuous, will leave it at that.

As explained above, the district had an apparent liberal agenda. Great! But what about the people outside the SAU property line? The town has a very conservative constituents, only a few very liberal. Both cancel out each other so nearly 98% of 24,000 residents (at the time in 2000, where this narrative takes place) would have low tolerance to autistics and/or developmentally disabled people. Some of the most extreme, tight to the right politicians in this fine state – live in Londonderry.

Narcissism is very common in that community, people who use other people to bolster their “social capital” (see how Bolick’s agenda can work against autistics? Link is dead like the lady in the video.) I was used on Facebook by a number of ex-“friends”. They knew who I was, but they only wanted me to boost their friend count. Hey, there is a thing called Linked In, if you want to advance your social count without referring them as “Friends”, you know?

As mentioned, many I knew possessed a “too cool” attitude for the 603 area code. A vast majority of people I went to school with in elementary school, don’t live in the state anymore, or have zero intentions to come back (according to Facebook activity circa a few years ago) at least closer to their “hometown” they use to advance themselves. Meanwhile these young punk 30 year olds will never pay back their early education, as the school district is inching towards a $70 million dollar budget and the town government has historically been skimpy and when I moved had depreciated town services, thanks to voting for the interests of the children…which I thought was illegal in election laws…

The trauma of living in Caucasian privilege, Upper Crust of New Hampshire was what formed me into massive insecurities such as “I’m not good enough” or “I shouldn’t be friends with someone who has so much education” or because I didn’t have enough socialization, that I shouldn’t be around people who have better socialization. Oh wait, where are all the twenty/thirtysomethings to socialize with who aren’t married?  Right, they abandoned the town while the lower class and hopeless autistic like I was; just limped over to the larger dot on the left of the map a few years ago. 

Living in Ltown created it’s own real-world of FOMO between the on screen view and out of window, plain sight view.

I’ve made mistakes in my life. One of the regrets, was remembering where I came from, avoiding materialism, having pride and patriotism of my town I once grew up and kept my humble self. Maybe that’s why I started to toss out old pictures or threw some year books into long term storage and going to burn the most painful documentations of my early years of life. And just like any other “Ltowner” just fake the idea I had a life prior to twenty-three.


My Views

This was originally posted on December 22nd 2015 as a page on The Hopeless Autistic at 9:40 pm ET. This text may not be reflective of the views presently

I feel in the name of transparency, I like to disclose my views so limit attacks against me.


I’ve leaned to the right, but not to the right of the Grumpy Old Party. I do not like how the “moonbats” raped the Democrat party. I’ve voted Republican in all Primary and General Elections due to the Moonbats trying to destroy the US as a whole. If there were saner Democrats, I’d vote for them. I’ve voted for Maggie Hassan not because she’s a Democrat, but understands my constituency as she herself has a child with developmental disorders

In New Hampshire, the GOP is a very tight to the right “conservative” wing of the party. This type of conservatism I’ve never supported. I do believe that a capitalistic society helps all, in a socialized world, domestic anger goes on the rise. Do I think parts of America has racism? Yes. Does part of America have ableism? Yes. Is that the entire country’s problems? No.


I was non verbal till I was about 4. Not to long after I acquired a strong vocabulary. I wasn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree. I was pretty slower than my peers in my early childhood to teenage years. I’m probably much behind from my peers. I’ve had rocky relationships ranging from infatuations to professionals. I’ve “followed the rules to ‘the social road'” but yet it made me go further backwards. I often cliques with lower functioning autistics when I was younger. I never came across other PDDNOS types on my level till I was about 13. I never was comfortable about discussing my autism since the MSM didn’t even cover this subject even into the new Century. I carry a card only for safety and security purposes. Autism doesn’t define me 24x7x365, but 8×5 somedays 12×7 (on busy weeks.)

I felt I related to not only adults, but parents, mature grown ups, people who had a lot of experience. NT to me refers to Microsoft’s enterprise operating systems offerings (or crappy PBX systems from North of the Border – ahem Nortel, ahem Northern Telecom) not a condition of being “normal.” I avoid using Three Letter Abbreviations or TLAs unless its known to a majority of people. Code words tend to lead to shenanigans.  I don’t use contradicting words such as #actuallyautistic because that would appear to be negative like I’m a recovering victim of identity theft.

People have often gave me positive feedback for being a good writer. Some parents even told me in emails that I could give them insight to their nonverbal child. At the same time I’ve been accused for writing long winded posts that offend them because I have diminished their child’s “severe autism”.

I’ve learned the hard way I cannot speak to any individual, if they can’t speak for themselves, it’s very hard to know what’s in one’s mind if you aren’t in there ether. Pardon if that comes off as “ableist.”

Above is my summary of my views, the details of above is outlined below.

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I never have supported Autism Speaks since about 2007, once I realized there was skeletons in the closet. A year prior a former Boston broadcast journalist (well known at the once well-watched PIX 11 in Manhattan in recent years) produced a film called Autism Every Day. This short film not using the disciplines of ENG-type journalism (taping on Betacam, “assemble edits”, and fitting it for time constraints.) The laid-back film discipline enabled them to allow disturbing things to be let out, such as a whiney Manhattanite contemplating – on the record – driving off the George Washington Bridge with her autistic daughter in the car, trying to commit double-murder suicide the biggest thoroughfare in the East Coast. While stating something you can’t do easily on that said throughfare, the autistic daughter runs in the camera frame. If this was a 180 second package, this clip would’ve been cut out, the mother would’ve been reported to authorities and then some.

Another film production that was intended for a PSA was entitled I am Autism. This non tape based production allowed yet another overkill of time comparing ASD to AIDS or some other childhood disease less common. To be fair, I wasn’t offended, if they had cut only 90 seconds out. There are ways to sell bloody hearts, but Autism Speaks just didn’t know good tape editing to make it compelling, but not insult the self-advocates, or the autistics themselves.

Autism Speaks has been supported by at least 3 out of the 4 Big TV networks, Disney’s ABC, ESPN and their 10 owned-and-operated stations have appeared to be distant, while the other three, NBC, CBS and Fox have given this organization free ad time in lieu of PSAs. Worse is the conflict of interest between the founder of Autism Speaks and NBC Universal, Bob Wright. Wright, the former chairman of NBCU has had a very warm and cozy relationship with his former employer and NBCU owned properties has conveniently carried out their propaganda. Autism Speaks’ PSAs – ahem – ad insertions have circulated on the Comcast cable systems that in turn owns NBCU. Many news talent from CNBC will wear blue puzzle pieces in April, since Wright afterall has strong ties to CNBC, where he was the founder of that business network and many talent since the 1989 launch  -that knew Wright the longest has an emotional connection.

His wife, Suzanne, who was an angry woman against autism, lead a crusade, comparing autism to a disease, even making the war on Autism on the same status as the war in Iraq. If anything, she gave a voice to the severely autistics improperly, unfairly and even unethically.  Her anger was the motivation toward’s AS’ constant funding for “research” annually while Autism Speaks made profits year over year. She died of a very tragic disease, pancreatic cancer. Bob Wright’s direction moved from any anti autism advocacy to anti pancreatic cancer. In my opinion, any cancer is a bitch. Autism is not, and autism is not cancer. Comparing it the way the two have is disgusting.

This is a more complex (i.e. more relatable) to people who many not be familiar to the Autism Speaks’ propaganda. HFAs and self-advocates will generalize most of AS’ to the point of being dumbed down. No reference to Watkins or even Wright has been exposed to the same level your humble writer. Jim Watkins and his wife worked in major markets before settling in New York. If you saw his face on TV stations in Boston, Memphis, Philladelphia (and some other markets I might be forgetting) that same man was behind Autism Every Day as a producer.

Autism Speaks Relevant to New Hampshire

Many individuals or organizations are tied to this barbaric organization in the Granite State, my former school in Brentwood was once listed in the Autism Speaks directory as a resource. Seacoast Learning Collaborative was known for aggressive  “restraint and seclusion” even myself was bothered by during and after attending. The New Hampshire Council on Autism Spectrum Disorders even has endorsed Autism Speaks last April encouraging people to dress in blue. The individual who I spoke to who is affiliated said to me directly, it was “easier” for people to understand.

Because I am no longer school age, I have no idea how the special education system is, but I can tell you as a hopeless autistic adult, there is hardly any services – or worse “direct support professionals” as the state has a shortage. Nationwide is similar. If any organization is potentially scaring away such DSPs, then maybe Autism Speaks can be blamed.

People also don’t realize that only 4% goes to families or individuals and/or both despite massive cuts to the Medicaid, the Medicaid Waivers and the conversion to “Managed Care” for both Medicaid systems in New Hampshire. So Republicans think “well let charity take care of bloody hearts” – well Autism Speaks won’t be there.

And anyone who I know is associated, donated, or even supported, I’ve cut my ties. This is the only way to move on without forcing others without being abusive to change their views.


The NAA is Autism Speaks’ other half when it comes to propaganda. NAA originally believed vaccines caused the autism boom in the late 1990s – they have since reverted. NAA also has claimed nearly 49% of autistics run away, but there is no hard facts. The organization also sells “Red Boxes” to give to families as a resource when a kid runs away, etc. Relevant to the 603 area code? Some organizations and people have endorsed this organization as well.


You think autistics who are high functioning can speak for themselves? Well ASAN doesn’t hide their leftist agenda (mixing in other minority causes) that well. Sadly politics has distorted the autism message. They continuously attack their competition instead of showing off what progress they have done for all except for employment, which is on their top priority.

I don’t question their autism, I do question and perceive that many don’t keep their “feet on your ground while reaching for the stars.” (I bet 98 to 99% of these moonbats/or Portlandia types have any clue who Casey Kasem was.) They are very upity, often using buzzwords, jargon, and other politically correct words and often for a non intellectual that didn’t grow up in say university towns like Boston, D.C., etc. As much as I try to “coexist” with my mother as an adult autistic whose also his own guardian, but the ASAN gives the finger to the parents, and assume that all autistics can speak for themselves – unlike Autism Speaks who doesn’t speak for any autistics or allow autistics to speak for them at all.  If there was a theme song of “EVERYTHING IS AWE-SOMMM-EEE” then this would fit the ASAN’s narrative. They assume all of America has been familiar to autism, that we need to move to acceptance instead. Some people to this day are not aware.

So how can you have acceptance if you don’t have awareness?

Also they hate the puzzle piece.  Their response: “I’m a human not a puzzle piece” Did they ever look up the history of the puzzle ribbon? I agree with Autism Speaks’ logo as some perceive it as a single gender, demographic, ability (look at the color and single piece.) Well sadly, it appears that politics trumps reality. Is autism a tragic burden? Some families may think or act so. Is that right? No, but you cannot change an adult’s mind. That’s the fact.

Most “self advocates” are Social Justice Warriors or SJWs, possibly because their differences made them hard to fit into the mainstream SJWs. This or “special snowflakes” came to the lexicon after the 2016 Presidential Election.

They also pray to our Presidant Barack Obama who within days after getting elected made a very off color remark to all of the developmental disability community on Jay Leno’s show but apparently if you have a (D) to your name, you get forgiven. If say a RINO like Bush said that…you know the answer.

If there is a lord, thank them for not infiltrating my state.

ASAN Relevant to New Hampshire

At least two or more members or senior staff had some residency in the 603 area code. The irony is they are no different than any other millennial SJW who have left NH and never planning on returning. Perhaps its the GOP culture that made them run away, but I think they are wimps for not trying to fight with them for their cause. They’d rather be around other autistics who hate normal people and hate conservatives and be angry on social media.


This long time “daily newspaper of the Autism epidemic” is a classic example of the Internet cults that causes people to believe in lies and bash everything that is in the mainstream, media, medicine, governance, etc. They are anti-vaccinaton types, have while they have whined about their causes being denied, they often deny people on the autism spectrum to challenge their views. If you are for a cure, you can speak; if you believe in any diversity, or celebrate the idea of accepting the condition, then you’re denied from posting

At the same time, this unhealthy level of packets infiltrating your computer has also lead to the idea that autism is a clearly a medical condition, that high functioning autism is not autism, and vaccine induced “injuries” causes autism. These people have apparently graduated from the University of “Google”. Because these “angry mumma bloggers” are the motherly types who are desperate for answers, they are cheating on their spouses on their WiFi enabled laptops or tablets that emit radioactive waves that messed up their very same child whose got an autistic condition. I find the comments on A.O.A. to be highly amusing because someone who isn’t a telecom professional per se can tell you that Bluetooth does not transmit high levels of electricity in long distances like cellular telecommunications.


They also obsess about the hatred to ASAN and the leaders. While this site has had an aggressive stance against their movement, I have not spent every post like how the angry mob does on a daily basis on their comments page. You can choose to follow these neuro diverse a-holes or not, just like how those people can choose to ignore Autism Speaks and kick their ass instead of bashing them every day.

The autism narrative has been divided into tribes, one is pro autism, one is anti autism; the other is anti autism with a medical bias mixed with junk science. Nether three of these tribes (that is the “echo chambers”) is not going to help any autistic to propel forward because of the extreme devicive nature these tribes congregate and segregate.

I will say that some of the anger and hate from the original carnation of this site was possibly exposure to the angry-mom sites like NAA and AOA.

What Is… [Hopeless Autistic]

Pages published in the range of Fall of 2015 for The Hopeless Autistic

Something that you were taught as a child has a different meaning as an adult. The problem is as a child, you were potentially lied to or mislead. What is being preached as the “real world” may or may not be relevant actually by locale; may or may not be tolerated or enforced and what happens is you’re practicing something that may not be taking place in this said Utopia called the “real world”

Community Based Services

The great leadership in Concord wants the entire Granite State to believe that the state is so tolerant, so accepting, and so willing to allow people of all developmental, mental and physical disorders and disabilities to live in the same community like their normal peers.

Well that’s great. If you live in Jefferson. But what about Londonderry, Dover, Nashua or even Keene?

I feel Concord is living off an ideal playbook of what the state should be to enhance their “progressive” agenda of what is now becoming “regressive” policies for people with developmental disorders. A source at my local area agency has told me that they go to Concord often to explain that whatever they are doing isn’t working well closer to home.

I appreciate the effort, but the reality is what it is. Some communities don’t want us, some families feel their child is better fit in an “institution” like environment. Isn’t this basically a cookie cutter plan backwards? It sure defeats the purpose of individualized-based services.

The ideal community starts with the people in the community having (or willing) to be tolerant to people on all ends of the developmental disabilities (in this case autism) and starting at a young age and to their graduation in high school. If there is a good relationship between the child, the individual, their peers and friends, then they build “natural supports” that could put less of a burden to the state’s system.

That obviously didn’t work in Londonderry, where I once grew up that I don’t call my “hometown”. Many of my peers avoided me after leaving the middle school and many have left the state with zero intentions to come back. The only thing closest to a “friend” was on Facebook. Other than that, who else can I connect? There aren’t that many 30 year olds living in the affluent part of New Hampshire (unless they are married with children, which I am not.)

Do we have a problem Bureau of Developmental Services? We sure as hell do!


Of all “What is…”, love is one of the most confusing and vague elements I can’t understand. In my generation, I’ve seen more people love bad people (like marathon bombers, and other evil people), love the wrong types of things or people; and be absorbed in themselves. (Remember the days when people actually looked at the lenses for “selfies”?)

People are more aggressive and more angry so how can I blame them? There is so much hate to men, to boys and even worse to autistics. If people would love the right types of people, then maybe love would make the world go more round.

I will say when I went to middle school, my romance would disappear. Multiple parties did a lot of damage. Some (like the then-13 year old woman* shown to the left) may or may not be aware of the damage, but people like Teresa Bolick did. And she to this day continues to make love more complicated for autistics, such as doing a workshop on Saint Valentines Day of 2013, not only doing that, but clearly stated the workshop wasn’t intended for individuals themselves. And a PDF has circulated on the Internet since.

* I call a 13 year old girl from 1999 a “woman” because she looked very mature for a 13 year old. Not saying I “look at 13 year olds” today but the ones I see did not have visible breasts, wearing 40 pounds of makeup and already was at a stature of a 5’4″. Her voice at the time was very striking lower octave…do I need to say more? From memory, the appearance of her hitting puberty could’ve been as early as 5th grade. (But I know she’s a drinker, which could explain why she looked so much like a woman then over now.)

I have kissed some ladies, but barely touched them, haven’t had sex, and haven’t had any close relationships. But that might be because I carry a badge requiring 3′ distance because I’m sensitive to touch.


Love + Relationships = Confusion? Relationships – Love = Anger?

I don’t understand this equation. The reoccurring struggles as an adult with a progressive case of a hopeless autistic is the extreme level of mixed messages of this subject. The problem is I am unable to troubleshoot if it’s autism specific or it’s just the case of bad luck or just bad people I’ve run into. The delay of resolution is just making the situation worse.

Regardless, My relationships professionally have been unstable. My family has eroded. My mother can be somewhat of a challenge to deal with (she could say the same about me.) Relationships with her has been rocky in the last few years. Romantically, it’s been worse, very worse, and the future is more bleak on that subject. I’d love to talk about this subject, but I don’t want to because then I get latched onto a touchy subject. I must have learned the best about “healthy” or “unhealthy relationships”.

My teacher (that same high school teacher I wish she was on Death Row) probably had done the worse damage in regards to the entire subject. Her teaching and preaching was mostly rip-and-read, basically photocopying health textbooks and basically just reading everything in verbatim and not making the subject her own. Personally at the same time, she was in her mid twenties and wanted to relive her junior year of high school. Meanwhile my brain wasn’t growing fast enough, the brain was developing with content worth of Nickelodeon goo and sadly this goo wasn’t what I was looking for. While sex education was more discussed in my last school program, the problem was there was heavy negativity. When leaving school a couple years later I just struggled on relationships.

Professional relationships were rocky as well. Many paraprofessionals would come and go every two years. I would call my school Boston’s Channel 7 where that station was known for constant change in personnel. It was a revolving door. The staff would leave, then come back in 6 months to a year. (Much like how Michelle McPhee came and left WRKO or now at competing station, you know?) This was how bad the talent pool was at my school. The management didn’t care about it’s staff and of that, isn’t that “unhealthy relationships”?)

Bonding with staff is important, especially a male figure. However the best “big brother” figure was too good to be true. He’d be there for 2 years and would be gone of my life. I was so broken after. I would doubt myself of how that all broke down.


Another example of perpetual childhood (that was frowned upon for us to live by, but practiced by such staff) was this constant, drilling, reprogramming, manipulation of the subject of “relationships”. While many autistics clearly don’t know the boundaries, some were on the mild side but in the sake of universal treatment, people like me were treated more on the severe side, like having an X on your back. While there might had been a case when I was 14 to be scared of (because in retrospect, I did have questionable social skills) I was unable to prove myself upon a reasonable doubt, and of such this is the great American tragedy of professionals lacking the ability to forgive the individuals’s wrongdoings by the said group

I never could relate to other peers of my type (i.e. other people with autism, etc.) I am comfortable and safe to lower functioning, (whether it’s Down’s or Kanner’s Autism or other LDs) just I am more nervous when I am around more verbal or intelligent types. I am very aware of my surroundings while the rest of them ether don’t really know or really don’t care.

In relationships, for me, it was wasn’t uncommon to treat everyone as a professional class, and then refer to the relations by the professional title. For a long time I have refrained from referring to some people as “friends” because not only it takes years to understand me, but I just am too afraid to take such risks. Some others say “friends” very loosely, but I don’t. And of such, this is the reason why I feel I’ve struggled to move forward in Relationships.


One of the major issues was the inability to understand the most deepest subject called romantic love. I’ve not had a real girlfriend and I’m almost 30. Women are ether not available to date me, because they are already taken, or they don’t want to lead me on or they think I am misunderstanding them like they are showing interest. Other than autism, women are the second most puzzling subjects. I have not grasped the concept of grabbing a woman that I really love, out of the bottom of my heart without fear of being charged for sexist crimes, or the fear of repercussions. Oh my god, don’t get me started with the latter. Yup, we autistic types have to be treated like we are all criminals! It’s not to say there are a few, but it’s not the largest bunch of them all!

I’ve longed for years to settle with a woman, not a girl, but a female with strength, who isn’t jumpy, whose calm, loving, gentle, caring, sweet, etc. And someone whose downright cute, because if you look lovely and pretty, then love will return back because you are in theory projecting love. I think there used to be a time and place where females would evolve to women, but since the acceleration of the Millennial generation, women are decelerating as girls are just partying later in their twenties while complaining about men. If I say or do such things, I’m labeled as misogynistic, but if a woman does it she’s speaking truth to power.

The case of psychological gynophobia began in the fall of 1999 when I was attending the Londonderry Middle School, when a girl that once lived up my street was verbally attacking 13 year old woman. Rejections from peers would occur over the years into 2000-2005; and indefinitely from ’05 to present.

Another time I had a near death experience with the opposite gender was that I was checking out a cute girl at the local Hannaford grocery store. It was like a double look, non creepy ether. The man would stare at me at about 40 feet away and I feared for my life, literally went the other direction with my cart and panicked for several minutes. At that point, that woman and her man made me look at females never in the same way again.

I had a break in 07-08 with a girl that I liked in school but blew that. I’ve only dumped 2 girls, one from 4th grade, and one from high school, but yet I was rejected by a spinning odometer of females since I was 16.

The fear I have is the longer I am single, the longer it would be able for me to adapt to a coexisting romantic relationship. I am so used to being a bachelor, would I be able to change?  And would I be able to go from a date, to boyfriend, to a husband in a timely manner? Would someone be willing to really, seriously “take it slow” especially in their 30s? What if someone has heard bad things about the disorder? Well then I think the answer is clear. There’s just no hope. So yeah, I am a hopeless autistic that is also a hopeless romantic.

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People often complement how intelligent I am, and how aware I am with my social surroundings. I think the reason why is that I’ve gone through so many downs over ups, that I’ve learned the harsh realities as well as being aware at such a young age. Intelligence is all about gathering what is going on around you. I am like a human gateway, listening to all the social traffic coming in and outbound in my little world north of Boston.

I feel very concerned that I won’t be able to understand the concept of relationships outside of the professional bounds for the rest of my life. Excuse me while I cry…


When I was about 18, the IEP team at the time wanted me to look at a school to work program. Essentially it was a sunset from learning academics to life skills and learning to get a job and to retain it.

However all of those lessons were biased of everyone being a “creep.”

As mentioned on many occasions, I wanted more than to “just work.” I wanted to be happy and healthy and learn as much as I can because college would be the worst place for me to go.

It didn’t turn out that way.

Several years after I finished school and moved to my new community, there had been some new startup programs. I, was always a Guinea pig, and didn’t want to be a lab rat ether. Several of these programs began with “Project” and an acronym. I mean, come on, what is it you’re trying to code up?

In the substance factor, a lot of these programs were more intensive than say the school to work program. There was a lot of studying, and then there was these “internship programs.” At the time, a couple of years ago, I was like “why should I have to show up and not get paid?” And this is because a lot of companies are getting free labor. Now allegedly, this would build up ones resume.

What’s more troubling is that many of these individuals are higher functioning, they put these individuals into high standards, and require them to basically go through drug testing, probation and all but yet they won’t be able to get minimum wage? I’m sorry for sounding a little entitled, but why should these individuals get nothing and a company in the area free work?

Even more disturbing is when the program completes, the individual themselves will have to get their job on their own, with the hopes the company/organization will hire them. They make this very clear that these internships won’t necessarily mean a job will be guaranteed following the workshop.

I keep stating myself that I am in a day program where I “need” these services but these programs are temporary and why be in permeant system if it only lasts a year or less with no guarantee that you’ll get a job? Meanwhile these 6 hour a day programs will often conflict with other programming, so you can’t enjoy life, you’re working like everyone else, hustling and bustling. Of which, it can bring down morale in the workplace.

In 2015, I was so desperate, I was going to volunteer and do anything. At this point, I don’t care anymore if I get paid or not. I am so confused of what to do, other than hearing “work” at an early age started my road of being hopeless.

Page’s Scope [The Hopeless Autistic]

This was originally posted on The Hopeless Autistic as a page on October 17th, 2015 at 5:58 pm ET

The subject matters on this site will be the following

  • Addressing a civil rights issue in New Hampshire surrounding anyone with a developmental disability such as the autism spectrum disorder and other related conditions
    • The inability for an individual (whether they are their own guardian or not) to have equal rights
    • The ability to speak, and the ability to question people in power (reasonably)
    • The ability to have a similar life equivalent to their “peers”
    • The chance to be “normal” as much as they can.

The civil rights crisis dates from the original version of this post:

  • A target year of 2020 when special needs adults with autistic disorders could become a “hopeless” generation of people where they “won’t be able to have” a a happy life and be controlled by normal, incompetent management wherever that is.
  • Better actions could result by:
    • understanding the fact that the delivery system is broken;
    • understanding the training system is broken, both on professionals, and down to the individuals themselves
    • Learning from relevant history of the first generation of autistics (ages of about 32 to about 25), diagnosed before the days of the Web, and around the time when institutions were supposed to go away; but many did get diverted out of district, often returning back to the community being a victim of bullying or just lowest level of respect
    • The need to educate Millenials (born circa 1982 to 1995, give or take a few years for some) the real facts of autism, not the media or government driven propaganda. If the numbers are true, American millennials are about 100 million, if there are 1 and 50 cases of autism, these two groups – for the most part need to integrate and assimilate with each other. Millenials are typically intolerant because many were not exposed as many were out of districted, during the boom of the first generation.
  • Learning about government accountability, the need of ethics reform in the c-suite (or the corner offices at both the state and school district levels), the need of openness and transparency
  • And more accountability to teachers, as these people will be responsible for the vulernable years of early adulthood to the most vulernable groups of society.
  • Basically educate the people in the state I live in, New Hampshire and that state only.

In 2018, I feel that the system is so broken and far from repair, that I feel this will happen regardless and have plans to deal with it when that time comes.



What is Causing the Alarm?

By no means, am I dramatizing the Autism Crisis by anyway. There is a problem, a systemic and leadership problem, I explain below

  • Ignorant leaders: People who do not know the subject matter, but know enough to solve the problem (just cut Medicaid – and it will fix all the problems.) People also still are not aware of autism and all the aspects around. This is why I refer it officially as the Autism Spectrum Disorder because the key word is spectrum.
  • Arrogant leaders: The people with Doctor’s degrees that are ether working in local school district units or SAUs, and or other forms of leadership who show off their degrees, and claim they know everything about autism, but sometimes this arrogance stoops to the ignorance  as described above.
  • Not accepting reality. The Capital City of Concord in their defense tries to come of progressive (with DOE, DHHS, and all the special interest groups.) but the real harsh realities are way beyond the Concord city line. From what I know, I find the abstract, rosey ideals not connecting well in the most populated area of this small state. And I’m talking about the Greater Boston area of New Hampshire. These communities of people, of leaders, and peers of the community in general have possibly held a number of people with autism backwards instead of forwards.
  • As previously mentioned on this site, a Commission did a review in 2001, but the ideas took years to come into fruition, if that was even remotely true to many.
  • Digital Divide: experts not well versed in technology (leaving many with developmental disabilities in their own “digital divide”, they could have a PC or mobile device, but not be able to use social applications, i.e. Facebook, etc because of the infamous “creep” factor.)
  • Adults with Autism in the 603 Area Code: Another problem was the lack of services and support as individuals would become of age. In the state of New Hampshire, the cutoff date from SAU to “area agency” services is the 21st birthday, neighboring states is 22 or the same. The experts for whatever reason by arrogance or ignorance or both, just didn’t have good relationships with SAUs and area agencies and education was very limited. Of such, it was not abnormal for many individuals of any developmental disabilities to be on a “wait list” for over 16 to 20 months and be limping around life until funding came around. The “adults in the room” just seemed sit and bicker of it being a “republican fault” or something equivalent thereof. And while all of this was going on, people like me would regress and not only regress, but start to have the first signs of being a “hopeless autistic”
  • Other concerns: Leaders not knowing business or operational skills; preaching on their education as if they knew everything; not using technology to enhance accountability, especially in the #OpenGov movements of the early 2010s, and continual politics within autism and not leave the politics at home.

2020: The Year of the Hopeless Autistic

Originally posted as a page on The Hopeless Autistic on October 16th, 2015 at 5:40 pm ET

By the year 2020, people with autistic disorders or families of individuals with autistic disorders may have their own depressive state of emotions. If actions do not get resolved now, things will get worse, of such the following

  • Individuals may be on wait lists for additional services (housing, etc.) even longer
  • Institutions may return in some capacity, ether by force of legislation, or by individuals wanting to be “isolated”
  • “Privacy” cards will be used more to cover up things that are protected under right to know laws
  • Non for Profit agencies may be still not  investigated by Federal Authorities for corruption, as some are currently believed to be dishonest and be doing the public a disfavor
  • “Experts” and continual support to Autism Speaks (an organization clearly, with many facts to back it up to make the autism movement be non existent as they want a “cure” for the disorder) will continue to distort the message, causing people to ether not work for people as Direct Support Professionals, or even avoid contact, be friends, or even worse romantic futures all because of bad communications from “normal” “adults”
  • Suicides or deaths attributed to stress, diabetes, cancer due to stress or inappropriate medications, while it would be officially not be a mortality rate by autism per se, but the sane individual would link the two, because of the negative, oppressive and depressive  environment of the system in the 603 Area Code.

Of such, if actions listed above, do not get reversed, it will lead to individuals to possibly go backwards, not forwards.