Since my document discovery that I had done out of serendipity a week ago, in preparation for a meeting the other day… I’ve figured out possibly why I have been “stuck”:
2017 Preface: I scrapped most of the original writing to insert what “hopeless” really meant. When I branded this site, I couldn’t even imagine the bullet points would be so true! Being in the previous toxic environment was the catalyst to this site and my feelings that had the majority control at the time.
The definition of “hopeless” means the following:
feeling or causing despair about something
The definition of despair means:
showing the loss of all hope
In the Thesaurus sense, despair means for adjectives :
gloomy, depressed, discouraged, demoralized, deviated, suicidal [don’t blame me], pessimistic
In the context of the Hopeless Autistic, it means that the bulleted points are not hope and:
- They won’t be able to find an ideal, and reasonable day program
- They won’t be able to find an ideal support staff
- That they will not be able to have a reasonable and healthy social life
- And won’t be able to find love
It seems like “Change” is in vogue lately. New programs, new ideas, but mixed with backwards or delusional agendas factoring in new leadership (should “leadership” in air quotes) among so many things just criss-crossing the Granite State.
However I am seeing a trainwreck about to happen and yet I haven’t seen any leadership to attempt to derail the trainwreck or suppress the fire. Sadly higher ups are not heeding the warnings, they are implementing a broken system and that broken system is about to get worse!
I’m going to be 30 in a year from now. My experiences are well behind my peers by textbook definitions. Most of my peers from Southern New Hampshire don’t even live here anymore. They are more worldly and more sexist, ablest, racist, etc. Many would not tolerate my group of people. But there is another theft that was caused and co-conspired by the 6 and 8 year hacks.
My “fountain of youth” is disappearing very quickly as 30 year olds have to mature both on looks and mental and emotional maturity levels. When you get to a certain age, you aren’t as flashy (without trashy), fun healthy and happy people. You become more boring and you live a boring life. No hobbies, and downright depressing.
Concerns first spread to some that I was “stuck” living in a fantasy world (which at the time consumed Lego minifigures and ABS plastic bricks) when I was about 13. The school support staff felt I was getting to carried away; and as a result I was basically punished for living in my own safe world by being force to adapt to the real world. (The staff were Gen Xers, to remind the reader. This was the last “tough” generation, however “tough” could be considered as passive aggressive not just strong.)
If there isn’t another way to describe my emotions over the last month, the last year to see what’s ahead for the next year, put it this way.
Imagine you’re driving a “Crappy American car” as I liked to describe the Big 3 autos; and that Crappy American car just like any other that will sputter unexpectedly. The car looses control. You try everything to avert a major disaster.
You’re up against a cliff and the road. But lets say there is a Big Scary Truck that is carrying hazardous materials. What do you do? Do you plow into the BST or go off the cliff and risk your life?
If you were a sane person, you’d drive off the cliff, to prevent a major disaster going into the BST.
“The system” in my state, the “supports” (the lack thereof) and the out of control government both on the state and Federal level is this Crappy American car. All the things I’ve previously discussed since inception in October is what this car is made out of.
You have no choice to avoid disaster, you’re going to wreck no matter what. Your peddles are failing, the steering wheel is about seconds to lock up.
And this is where I am right now. I can’t seem to try to navigate this broken car that I am riding at a “high rate of speed.” I have no driving force. I’m a passenger in the driver’s seat. There is no 9-1-1/Tier 2/3 helpline for hopeless autistics. I have to navigate this myself.
And sadly the only option is to drive off the cliff. Will I survive? Who knows. At this point what worse can happen? Or is the worst yet to come?
I can’t answer that question. Because I am at a loss for answers. Just asking unanswered questions.