Self Hatred

Hate is not learned, it’s taught

Growing up in a micro institutional environment, even if you could go in and out within six hours, miles away from home; it sure felt like a traumatic experience.

I am not a self-centered person, because I can’t speak for anyone else with ASD with authority except for me, because I can only speak with certainty of the challenges in life.

I am still looking for purpose because it was wrongfully taken away from me 22 years ago. To say it’s just me is standard gaslighting and minimizing my view of reality. 

I am in a situation where I am at a point where I am seeking other’s admiration as a form to feel less self-guilt. I felt like I had held grudges because it was my doing, to only find out people really don’t care about me as a whole. Not that I can not make up lost time, but to build quality time in the present with a new outlook with either family or peers.

And that never happened, hence why I severed ties with the Londonderry bunch and then created Londonderry NH Exposed because that the cleavage of in-experiences between me and them would be further spread. Worse they are completely apathetic; only because I am the only person they know who has autism (and this when I started to doubt the statistics because it didn’t make sense.)

COVID19 happened, and that was the final nail on the coffin. No matter how much I could express how I felt segregated, because this whole “mainstreaming” or “integration” was all just smoke in mirrors, because the typical peers saw me as one of them not like-us. Them meaning the people in the wheelchairs or the resource room.

On hatred, these things have to go through a mental health professional. In the 22 years where I vanished out of the Londonderry school yards, the environment I was in in most of those 8 years was extreme self-awareness in the form of fear, intimidation, forced self-doubt so by the time I was hitting my 21st birthday, I was good to go to be silent, obedient, compliant, and not get into trouble because by working silently and not make much fuss, then by their logic, I was “successful” by 2007, I knew that I was missing the social deficit that would help me in employment, but of course 2007 was more like 1992 in special needs progress. (And Teresa Bolick’s preachings didn’t help matters.)

I look, I talk, and feel a specific way for specific reasons, because I needed more forgiveness (and obviously love) because “the system” engineered a process where people like me couldn’t fail and would be punished big time. The abuse at my former day program in 2019 was malignant narcissism at it’s finest, which is the temperament of most special needs professionals. If people lacked the empathy for others (because that’s the stereotypical autism trait, hence take the “stereotypical” lightly)  this justified the reason to treat autistic and other dev disabled people subpar, because they can’t feel anything.

I cannot accept myself for who I am with all the missing experiences because I didn’t have the right tools because the system in school age was destined to fail, and the adult programs writing anyone off as high functioning could be considered to be ableist at a minimum.  The latter occurred less than 2 years ago, and those scars from those typical people who are younger than me, and had no experiences with people like me before still feels very sore.

I didn’t predict that I’d systematically feel “hopeless” by 2020, I thought I’d be off by a couple years. I didn’t intend to be right on. I wanted to be fully wrong too, and say I misunderstood. No the feeling of being a child by regulations is so obscene. I am still coping with feeling robbed of a sense of purpose. I know these words are just kilobytes to the bit in the packetspace, but there is a human value to this narrative. I am still looking for purpose because it was wrongfully taken away from me 22 years ago. To say it’s just me is standard gaslighting and minimizing my view of reality. 

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