The Hopeless Autistic: When a Day Program Creates Hopelessness

New topic with an old subject title. It’s an ongoing situation, names and locations will be withheld written originally for my named page in December 2019. 

I am currently in a better adult day program to help me be less dependent what some call “the system.” There is no perfect program, no perfect staff, but situations are far from realistic.

I am getting a unsettling sensation that I am getting unfairly pushed out. I have an invisible disability, and because I am not in a wheelchair, I am not needy. I am not disabled-enough!

The Vendor, that I will leave nameless had went through a bunch of changes in the last six months. Change and autism are an oxymoron. This isn’t a standard “change”. These were core support people ether left or got reassigned. Changes in the corner office impacted people I went to for various things. It wasn’t just one person, it was an admin assistant, a mid level manager and a direct support staff that got promoted into entry level management.

All within 2 months. One of the departures was filled in through “attrition” (something that I have not heard since the Financial Crisis in the private sector, or a New Hampshire municipality at the said time.) This to me is raising flags. The next line as this writer who is no longer as naive anymore: “nothing will change.” Well guess what? The staff has changed, became more managerial, and any attempts on my part to try to heal the broken relationship of under 2 years has been spiked by management. I have been the only individual in the “team” who was willing to give another chance to improve the relationship. I waited for several months (because I am generous to give 2 of the 4 months to mgmt because I am a forgiving guy. That’s not sarcasm, that’s me.) And theres been line after line, after line that they will not admit as an excuse.

The situation is more autistic than me. But I am forced to take the slack, get the flack, and I cannot fault management for anything. Everything, 110% is my fault.

Since the summertime, I’ve seen more resources being directed to ones who are physically disabled. For someone whose has a “higher functioning” developmental disability, I think what the management has chosen to ignore is higher intensity of supports that can be argumentatively be equal to that dude in the ‘chair.      

The implied deflections, the lack of a team game (meaning that staff or managers taking responsibility if they screwed up), and the apparent pissing matches, and no staff listening, but cutting me off, or trying to shut me up (loud hum-hums over normal speaking volume of staff), has put strain on others.   My mother is apparently hurting, the reactions and frustrations posted on my Facebook for friends-only to probably ignore me.

I try to learn to “let go” but they are smart enough to know I am trying to do that to punish me in the form of the said actions. It’s truly a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t. In 3Q of 2019, I’ve neutered myself so badly, to the point where I just don’t care anymore. The system rewards people if they are so broken – physically. The only way to overcome autistic conditions is to basically break your neck.

THIS IS HOW LOW THINGS ARE HERE. AND I HAVE TO STFU AND MOVE ON. 

During some early mornings I’ve asked myself “My purpose here [other than the mother] is what again?” 

This is an ongoing story, more details to follow once the situation stabilizes, if it does.

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