I can’t say anything right.
This has been a lifelong cliche in my life. I always doubt myself because I probably have been through a stigma of not saying things “right”.
Earlier today, I met with the program manager of my unnamed day program. We had 2 hours blocked out, uninterrupted (believe it or not) and went through all the details, including the lack of supports from 18 to 21 and the wait list, and the most recent developments of last week and of that discovery is when I found out why was creeped out of my own skin at least since 2010 indefinitely. (And I’ve mentioned my pet project, where I felt I botched the storytelling in forms of massive social anxiety…I can never win…)
However I kept one eye on the clock (it was faster than the actual time) and tried to keep eye contact to the manager while I went though a very thorough explanation. As I am trying to recall everything I said – I don’t know if she had gotten the messages entirely. I based everything on outlines and speaking it off the cuff to make it natural. I do believe she got me, the problem is if she missed other important things, then I’ll have to go an explain them yet again. I don’t know if I am talking enough or talking too slow or not talking fast enough or what. I can’t seem to make my own thoughts relevant in my own mind!
My family is very different from the rest of the world, they talk in lots of technical detail for long periods of time. It’s funny how my folks never get called out for their social quirks as I see it but if I do the same well maybe I’m wasting others time. Over the last couple of years I’ve tried to be more spiffy, limit any repetition and any little “responsive” phrases like “you’ve told me that before” “I was going to say something” “Now I remember” farmer girl/boy like language, at least my own wording.
It’s the harsh reality that one has to keep on point, and this was a pervasive problem for years. And I’ve tried to be self aware, but even with self awareness I still have this appearance by others that foils, powerpoints, and 2 hour meetings are the standard operating procedure to work with me in meetings. No I don’t want to do that. I just want to be happy, and I’ve clearly put boundaries of this would be the only time I’d bring this up so I can move forward.
If I was truly happy, the Hopeless Autistic would never existed in the first place.
But perhaps my redundancy of thoughts, and same discussions of meetings may have been triggered by multiple event(s) but I can’t remember when.
After these meeting I ask myself, why did god or the devil put such an emotional wreck on this planet?